11:49pm

today i found out a lot of new things.

i dont even really care that my formatting is literally modelled by the way that i text because i feel people can still understand the message.

lovely friends, always there for support in hard times but sometimes causing hard times…does this type of situation ring true for anybody? seriously, let me know. i totally understand that feeling. lately its been like that with acouple close friends.

the feeling of not even wanting to see someones side of the story because your 100 percent convinced you have seen ALL sides of the story

maybe even on top of, or even in the middle of , hell below it all… all that shit, and im talking that straight up greasy shit thats hitting fan; you accept one fateful call that may send you back to ground 0.

just think about it, maybe even spring to write a comment.

i wanna say thank you so much to those that may feel like im talking about them, i still love you. you know this.

but today was really harsh people.

i wish mom was around

spam?

omg my email is so beyond able to even show me any form of relevancy at the moment haha.
anybody who cant relate will be forever VVS included.


i believe in organisation on all fronts. i feel, like, a lot of anxiety when technology takes has so much control in my life but  it also can be one of the weakest fronts.

hypo-critics

just the other day one of the people closet to me had said he was having troubles…

varying from nature to nature, he landed on a subject that most can potentially relate too: expectations in relationships.

expectations can range from small things such as: social etiquette, respect for your elders, respecting a persons property, to even telling the truth one hundred percent of the time.

years ago, i went to the theatre with my father. we never had the best relationship, but i wont forget the times we had where things were going to some degree of normal. and at this theatre we watched a movie called “in time”. It came out in 2011, making me only 10 years old when i watched it… nonetheless, the movie fascinated me. the concept being, time is money really made me look at my past retrospectively at that time i spent before i was adopted.

now, i look back in hindsight to that time and think about all the struggle and agony i endured living with people i know didn’t love me. and i try be progress in ways avoiding those feelings at all costs. anything to cause that extent of pain and dementia is so wasteful of our time that it should be paid for. i feel that every year of my time is worth at least 5 million dollars, and its treated as less then 50 thousand a year until MAYBE death. but even before that, peoples time can be compensated for an even lesser amount of 15 grand.

a good friend of mine told me that our time on earth is like winning the lottery, and the time is money.

this very compounded idea couldn’t have been made without ever having some dimension of adversity present in her life. but the adversity also is what makes her come to that conclusion of herself. its a progression in time mixed with the adversity that needs to happen in order for us to understand our true value and energies.

t + a = inner understanding.

for myself, i understand one of the qualities you cant have an expectation for is your amount of inner understanding. when i enter an relationship that makes my world turn (which rarely happens lol rip) i try to hard and sometime come off as boring and fake. the reason being: im playing the guessing game when it comes to the other persons expectation, needs, or emotions

growing

sometimes, growing can be hard.

it almost like being where i am now is never good enough…

For instance, my social worker told me that my room in the suite im living in could be used for so many other kids on her case load. My gut reaction was just to get super tense and hostile. I felt that way because it was as if I wasnt a kid on her case load! But a colleauge.

Im 18

Im growing

pleaase